I went back to work today after a three week siesta of sorts. Seeing as it’s Back to School season, I thought that I’d rate my holiday in a school report style.
CATCHING UP WITH FRIENDS
95% Maith an cailÍn. A gallant effort was made here, particularly with friends of the Long-Lost variety. An extra 20% has been awarded for travelling with two children, beating the heads off each other, kicking the drivers seat, fighting over the radio, etc.
A big fat FAIL. 0% was achieved in this area. Mostly because of the little people. The only morning they were interested in a lie in was on the morning that they were due to return to school last week. 20% should be awarded for effort for the persistent begging for a lie-in, even if it came to nothing.
(A) Catching up on unread novels and other grown up reading material, like newspapers. 8 % awarded for the good intentions. 4% of that deducted for the rainforest of unread material. Tut tut. How totally un-environmentally friendly/
(B) Reading with children. 50% awarded for summertime bed time readings, but 25 % deducted for failing miserably at the library Summer Reading Challenge. One book ONLY read by each children. Both books and the unread ones now wildly overdue to the library. #ParentalShame
(C) No, flicking through the Lidl freebie flyer does not count for extra marks 0% (even though there was 70% off, get it ???)
60 % The early holiday intention to drink a ‘hape’ of wine were largely achieved, with seemingly little effort. Marks were deducted for the inexcusable purchase of ‘low-calorie’ wine. Two bottles of the stuff. Like c’mon !!
ABILITY TO ATTRACT A CRISIS
78 % Worryingly high. Incident A : When you arrive in the door of your friend’s house, after a car journey from hell with devil children and friend announces that she is heading off to A&E with no 1 son who had a nasty collision, involving a smashed tooth and nose. Okay, no blame could be attributed, but when you feel helpless, you kinda feel a bit guilty. The biggest crisis that night though, was discovering the afore mentioned low calorie wine.
Incident B : Scalding one’s daughter with boiling tea, albeit accidental was pretty horrific. It was reassuring to know that her lungs are in fine fettle, as she could be heard screaming in Cork (by phone). The daughter thankfully recovered more quickly than the mother.
70 % A vast improvement here, with regular long walks for mutt and vaccinations sought for both the overweight dog and the scrawny cats. (Marks were lost here for letting mutt get so porky in the first place). Further reports will be made in a follow up blog.
39 % This mark could have been greatly improved if one had remembered that the ‘N’4 and the ‘M’4 are NOT the same road. The signposts for ‘Tullamore’ and then ‘Moate’ should have been sufficient to suggest that one was not, in fact, heading for Castlepollard. The ‘N’ for national and the ‘M’ for motorway should have also assisted in the assessment. A hard lesson has been learned here on half-listening and half-googling. Consulting with an old fashioned map is highly recommended, as is refraining from obscene language in front of two children. One could blame the children for beating the heads off each other, or the drivers excited anticipation in meeting up with afore mentioned Long Lost Friends, but really, Moate ??
DOMESTIC SCIENCE71 % Isn’t it great what you can achieve when you put your head down to it ? Holidays or no holidays. The decluttering, shining and polishing were unprecedented and let’s face it, are unlikely to be repeated. The Nigellaesque Domestic Godless feeling was good while it lasted, although there was no low cut slinky number in my kitchen.
SCIENCE85 % Awarded for the regular, close examination of ‘science in action’. A good old poke at Road Kill comes to mind, the stinkier, the bloodier, limbs missing and more maggot infested the better. A particular badger comes to mind. Examination of multi coloured/textured chicken poo comes a close second. What the hell was that chick eating ?? And as for the poke in the compost bin – hours of disgusting fun guaranteed.
PREPARATION FOR BACK TO SCHOOL75 % It appears that lessons were learned last year and everything was not left until the last minute. School bags packed and labelled weeks ago. Oh, that smug feeling of being organised ! Mother of the fecking year award. All was well until the first morning of BTS last week. Oops … No new school trousers for the boy ... It was KINDA his fault though, refusing to try on last year’s threads all summer, but his thunder face said that it was ALL MY FAULT, his school year ruined, temporarily anyway.
OVERALL COMMENTSIt appears that Lucina is a well-intentioned young lady, if a tad hyperactive. It is recommended that she considers a holiday abroad next year, one that involves being tied to a sun lounger with the hape of novels that she didn’t read this year and the ones that she buys in the coming year. It is also recommended that she brings a babysitter and avoids low alcohol wine as it doesn't seem to suit her